FUNERAL CEREMONY FOR NICKI CORNWELL at 2.15 p.m. on MONDAY, 23rd FEBRUARY 2009 at COYCHURCH CREMATORIUM, BRIDGEND Introductory Music: ‘Handbags and Gladrags’ – Rod Stewart Hello everyone – that opening number is a reminder that Nicki was a fan of Rod Stewart, and also that she was always smartly dressed, with impeccable taste and an inclination towards colourful clothes. So, welcome as we meet now to celebrate the life of Nicki Cornwell and to take leave of her, by means of this humanist ceremony. I’m with the British Humanist Association and I’ll just explain that Humanism is a straightforward philosophy which asks us to live this, our one life, so as to make full use of our human potential and the opportunities we create or which come our way as we progress through life. We should do so for our own sake but also for the benefit of others, since we have only each other to rely on. The nearest thing we have to a commandment is the ‘Golden Rule’ which requires us to treat others as we ourselves would wish to be treated – with tolerance, respect and compassion. It’s a principle which can be traced back beyond the time of any current religion, and appears in the writings of Confucius and the ancient Greek philosophers. It’s particularly appropriate for Nicki because she gave much time and effort, with considerable success, to helping others to understand and to make the most of their talents, aptitudes and capabilities. It may seem odd to think in terms of a celebration of someone’s life when they have gone twenty, maybe thirty years sooner than you might have expected. Surely her death was in every respect a tragedy? Well, yes, there are, indeed, good grounds for sorrow and poignant regret, for ‘if only’s’ and speculation about what other paths her life might have taken and where any one of those paths might have brought her other than here, today. Above all, there will be sadness that a unique individual possessed of such vitality and insight, such concern for others, is no longer here. She will leave a gap in the lives of others, especially her children, Siân and David. We can’t pretend, by speaking of celebration, that there is no sadness – especially because that sadness is a measure of how much she meant to others, how much she was respected, liked and loved. Nevertheless, we acknowledge that all lives must end – some too soon, often suddenly and tragically, with milestones never to be reached and achievements never to be accomplished or potential fulfilled; many others too late, after years of suffering or indignity; and then the few people who have an easy death at the end of a very long life, unclouded almost till the end by infirmity of any kind. We have no laid-down right that the circumstances of our death will be fair or just, or subject to anything but the kind of random circumstances and events which brought us into being in the first place. What matters is that we did live, we had our time, we shared and brightened other lives, we helped others, and we have left the lasting imprint of our lives on others, through the influence of our character and our personality. Nothing, and certainly not death, can take away the fact that Nicky lived, that she was who she was and achieved what she did. Nicola Jean O’Farrell was born in St David’s Hospital, Cardiff, on 18th February 1953, the daughter of Joseph and Elsie, who were living in Poplar Road at the time. She grew up with her sister, Bobbie, and attended Fairwater Junior School, then Lady Margaret’s school and Waterhall School. Her principal memory of Lady Margaret’s was the uniform inspections to ensure the girls were wearing the required bottle-green knickers and that their skirts were of the regulation length! It was a girls only school, but Nicki was involved in a raid on the nearby boys’ school when the biology skeleton was kidnapped, dressed up and, appropriately enough for a skeleton, put in the cupboard of an unsuspecting teacher. Nicky did creditably enough at school, but left after her ‘O’ levels to start work as a legal secretary at a solicitor’s office in Canton. At the age of 21 she was married, and she and her husband John lived, briefly, away in Nottingham then back in Cardiff before moving, via a spell in Llantwit Major, to John’s family farm at St Brides, where their children, Siân and David, grew up. When David was old enough, Nicki was able to make use of her secretarial skills again by becoming the secretary at St Bride’s School and Clerk to the Community Council. As a wife and mother of two young children, Nicki’s life was very much typically family-orientated. There was the knitting that she enjoyed, which developed into a small business producing angora sweaters, there were the caravanning holidays, the pets and all the usual routines to be followed. It may sometimes seem as if our lives are set to run on a clear, predictable course, with life-events stretching ahead, across many decades, beyond some far point we don’t wish to think about. Then, in relation to our careers, our relationships or some major aspect of our lives, there may come some opportunity, temptation or choice - and we have a course of action to take, for good or ill; or not to take, for good or ill. We have no hindsight to guide us and often very little foresight. There are rules, guidelines, expectations, duties and responsibilities pulling us one way, and all sorts of folk-wisdom pulling us the other – to seize the moment, to trust one’s instincts or follow one’s heart, to go with the flow, to dare and win - and so on. Do we stay, safe but earthbound, as we are - or do we take off, to soar to new and unimaginable heights, or to crash and burn, or maybe manage get back down, shaken and shamefaced, more or less to where we started? Sometimes, if we are helplessly swept along by events or utterly certain of what we are doing, it may not seem like a choice at all. There is a fascination in watching the choices others make – it’s the stuff of soap-opera (Nicki loved the soaps), as we wait to see if our expectations or hopes for the outcome are fulfilled. It’s different if we ourselves are faced with that choice, or if our own interests hang upon it. Suffice to say that Nicki made a choice that, in due course, saw her living alone, her marriage ended after 21 years, but taking the first steps to what she didn’t at that time realise was a new and fulfilling career. It was in the early 90s that Nicki got a temporary administrative job at Bridgend College, as she was living in Bridgend at the time. The work involved helping with a job club, assisting students to present their achievements in as good a light as possible and to get employment. She became a permanent staff member, delivering skills training, interview techniques, preparing CVs and so on. She discovered a taste and an aptitude for helping students – and later others – to help themselves. She moved on to work for major firms before becoming a successful freelance, operating in such fields as stress management, time management, customer care, working with difficult customers and colleagues and report writing, together with training, training trainers, team building and just about any or every related aspect of workplace relationships and staff development. It was a career for which Nicki was ideally suited – she was smart, confident, stylish, humorous, outgoing, fascinated by people, and always enjoyed being the focus of attention, She was the sort of person who was, herself, admired and envied – a role model, but also one who had grappled with choices and their consequences and had been there and done it herself. Her immaculate suits, usually in bright colours and with exactly co-ordinated earrings, were her trademark. She was an inveterate people-watcher, often trying to work out what was going on, or who was who – and it gave her real insight into what makes people tick. She would get into conversations with all sorts of people she randomly met and was at ease with people of all ages and from all backgrounds, but there was far more to her than idle curiosity about others – she had a genuine interest in helping, she would reach out and offer friendship, it mattered to her that people should make the most of themselves, achieve their potential. Not least, she successfully helped Siân and David with their own choices in life and enabled them find their paths in life. Some of the condolences received by Siân and David make it clear what a hugely significant influence Nicki was in helping others – it is truly no small thing to help others find a degree of fulfilment and satisfaction in life they might never have dreamed of. In this way, Nicki was a modest but certain part of a process of human enrichment, education and empowerment that flows on from one generation to the next, a process that has brought us from the most primitive of beginnings to where we are now, and may yet help us solve the problems which still beset us. Such thoughts are reflected in this piece of writing by Margaret Laws Smith: ‘We are all, each one of us, a part of all the life which has gone before us and all that will come after us. Each life plays its own part in the history of humankind. Each one by his or her existence and activity plays a part in sustaining the life of humankind, and by their thoughts and speech helps in maintaining the wisdom and knowledge we have accumulated ready to be passed on to the generations of the future. Some people have made great additions to the knowledge and the skills of humankind. The contributions of some to our inheritance have been much greater than that of others, but we can never say that the effects of any life, however unseen they may be, are nothing. Day by day each life affects many others; the ripples from the existence of one pass outwards touching and shaping the lives of many both known and unknown. Each person is unique. We are all men and women, born in the same way, living, thinking, feeling, by the processes of energy within us, and yet these processes have the possibility of such variation that there are no two of us alike. We have each something of our own to add to human life which no one else could give. This separateness and uniqueness of each individual is the source of our sorrow and grief. Look through the whole earth and the one we have lost is not to be found; there is none like her. But she played her part in our lives; what she was still lives in our minds. Our lives which are a part of her life go on and the ripples of her life are still passing outward in known and unknown ways. With those present, with those who have gone and with those who are yet to be born, she has her place in the procession of humankind and the process of life.’ Nicki will also be remembered for some of the familiar things that were important to her – she was fond of animals and always had cats until recently, as well as coming over to exercise Siân’s dogs. She’d usually go out for an early morning walk anyway. She absolutely loved beaches and sunshine – when she lived in Newton Burrows the opportunity to go onto the beach for sun and fresh air was not to be missed. And, of course, there were the holidays – over the years to Barcelona, Minorca – which was a favourite family destination, Malta, Florida, Lanzarotte, Turkey, Tunisia – anywhere that was hot. She also loved rugby in general and the atmosphere of internationals in particular. Perhaps her most memorable holiday was one of the most recent – over with Siân to where David was working in San Francisco, to stay and then do the coast-to-coast trip over to New York, but taking in a kaleidoscope of sights and experiences on the way. These are just a few of the memories all of you will have of Nicki – there will be many more, some to share later, others private to you who knew her best. We’ll spend a minute now, in silence, to remember, to reflect or to use as you wish. SILENCE Now we’ll listen to the song by Michael Ball that Siân and David have chosen: Music – ‘Love Changes Everything’ – Michael Ball We have looked back and remembered – if ever a person exemplified the view that it matters less how long you live that what you do with your life, that person was Nicki Cornwell. She did go far sooner than any of you who loved her, liked her or respected her would have wished, and that was partly because helping others in the way she did, giving everything, came at an inescapable cost to herself in terms of her health, her well-being and ultimately, her life. No-one would say that she lived without mistakes or that she was some kind of saint – she would have been the first to say that was absurd. But she was an attractive and appealing person with a powerful presence, who made a real and beneficial impression on other lives. She helped make it happen for others, she made others happy and fulfilled and for that she deserves from them and from all of us all the positive and good and kind thoughts that come to mind. Would you please stand? We have remembered and celebrated her life and we know that the memory of her is committed safe to the hearts of you who knew her, understood her, cared about her and loved her, just as the things that were important to her are committed safe to you minds. Now, therefore, with due sadness, yet above all with gratitude, respect, affection and enduring love, we commit the body of Nicola Jean – of Nicki – Cornwell to its end, its elements to be taken back into the universe, from which all life comes, which sustains all life and to which all life returns. COMMITTAL In conclusion, I’d like to thank all who have offered Siân and David their sympathy and support – you are all most welcome to join them afterwards at the Hay Wain, Brackla, to share some reminiscences. May I also draw your attention to the memorial website set up for Nicki – details are on the Order of Service, and you will see there an opportunity to donate to Diabetes UK, a charity which those in the know will appreciate would have been close to Nicki’s heart. Finally, let’s recall that Nicki was a sun-lover – at the moment, you stand in the shadow of death, but there can be no such shadow where the sunshine of life has not shone worm, and strong and bright. As time passes and you look back, it is the sunshine you will remember. Thank you all, and go safely. Concluding Music: ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ – Fron Male Voice Choir